A few days ago I watched some interviews with Andrew Vachss -- about whom I'm going to write a detailed entry soon, at least that's what I'm
planning to do, because he's an attorney exclusively representing children and youths, working in child protection, has a fascinating biography and also writes crime fiction, and he's one of my heroes. But anyways, for now I want to mention something he said during those interviews, because people often accuse him of being too aggressive, or ask him WHY SO ANGRY?, isn't that too negative and eating you up inside and couldn't you achieve more by being friendlier and WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO ANGRY zomg.
(And I'm absolutely certain that a lot of you just nodded tiredly and thought
I know that one, and how.)
And he said -- quoting from memory, here -- he said, I could let go. I could make the decision, today, to stop being angry, and I'd have no problems doing so, I'd be calm.
But, he said, I assure you, that after a single week I'd be back where I was before, because in that single week I'd have seen enough shit to
make me angry all over again. ~
It felt good to hear that statement. To have those feelings acknowledged. Because the sad, the sickening thing about that kind of anger, is how you don't even have to
look for a reason to come along. You don't have to make shit up, despite all kinds of racist, sexist, homo- or transphobic, sadistic, thoughtless, or privileged people trying to tell you otherwise. You're not "trying" to "find" things to "get offended or angry about". You don't have to do that.
They find you. I spend a few days
just reading blogs online, with a very limited range of topics, but still in no time I end up with news about male-to-female transsexuals being murdered, a lesbian author whose book I bought turned out to have written transphobic articles for the Village Voice, some misogynistic idiots told my friend that
she was actually the "real" sexist by telling them how sexist they were because that meant she was telling other women what to think, a psychologist claiming in his paper that the fact women in earlier centuries didn't sail around the world and discover new countries had nothing to do with the "conspiracy theory of a patriarchal system" but rather it was somehow "designed" to be and women just weren't "motivated" to do something worthwhile, and during a discussion about transphobia I was accused of being a coward hiding behind my "professional victimhood" because I wasn't willing to stay in a thread where I was made to feel unwelcome as a transperson, and I haven't even touched on politics and racism and reproductive rights yet --
BUT OF COURSE I'M ONLY PULLING THAT ANGER THING OUT OF MY ASS.
I totally get the sentence "If you're not angry, you're not paying attention". I'm not thinking it means that you
must be angry, all the time, or that we all have to be angry about the same things. What it says for me is, dude,
you don't have to fucking LOOK for the fucked-up things, they're there, and also
you can't unsee it, although sometimes I feel so exhausted or down that I wish I
could go back to not seeing certain -isms and issues, because it would make my life easier, but then I remember it would also make me an asshole, and I tell myself that being less of an asshole to other people is fucking worth it, so there.
In short: the solution to the anger "problem" is not telling people to shut the fuck up and be happy instead, it's to behave less shitty.